


dear ragababy,

by plutodolohov



Series: thoughts of a dissolved mind [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Best Friends, Diary/Journal, Emotional, Emotions, Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Love, Love Stories, One-Sided Attraction, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:42:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29411394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plutodolohov/pseuds/plutodolohov
Series: thoughts of a dissolved mind [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149593
Kudos: 2





	dear ragababy,

_This is all stream-of-consciousness writing, adapted from various texts I sent people, asking for advice. Edited for spelling and grammar and clarity, but not much else._

I don’t know if it's just me but like you ever have an experience and then you feel like you're spending the rest of your life after that moment chasing that same high? Like one of the people I consider a best friend once played with my hair after our math class went outside, and I just laid in her lap and she played with my hair and it was so wonderful outside as we laid in the grass and I loved it and it was the most tender thing anyone has done to me to this day. like I have never before nor after that moment cuddled with anyone again. and I feel like I'm constantly chasing that high because I have never felt that good again. 

And like, that moment is such a big impact on me and I know to her it was just another thing between friends and I am and will never be on her best friends list but she means the world to me and she taught me almost everything I know about real life love and what it means to love; like I learned by watching her and just listening and watching and it hurts because I will never be as important in her life as she is mine and she's moving away too? And I haven't seen her in so long and I just.... think about it a lot, our power dynamic and the impact she left on me and what i left on her and what a disparity it is.

_Someone responded to me with, “Oh. That’s just love, love,” while I kept going on, and I eventually responded to it - but that response is unimportant here. However, the simplicity and casualness of the phrase - that will stay with me for years to come._

She's the one who taught me the whole thing about “I love you” versus “I love u” and it scared me for a long time because I would use “u” but then after that moment in the grass I started you and she just took it in stride and told me it back and I cried looking at that text and still do whenever she texts me because — I don't even have words like, she means the world to me!

I text her good morning texts and she like never responds and I never know if it’s because I’m being annoying or if she's just busy and I know her life and i know she's busy but I can't help but wonder but then I feel awful for doubting her and I can't work up the courage to ask because the last time I did it ended up destroying my only friendship at the time of 11 years and was the whole reason I’m so dependent on fanfics but then she texted me happy birthday and just told me she loved me! I melted because I didn't think she even remembered my birthday and she’s so independent and strong and hot and cool and everything I want to be but like also she’s traumatized way more than me and that’s why she had to be so independent so early on and I just want to make it better and yet I also wanna be her and I would die for her and she would not die for me and I think about that and just our whole dynamic a lot.

Like, she's moving, and she's moving on and out and beyond and I'm still here holding onto this and she's probably going to move on and I'll just be another part of her life and what if I try to reconnect after a while say while she's visiting and she just doesn't want to? Or she doesn't remember me? Or —

I don’t know.

I just...don't know how to move on.

I feel like my whole life has spiraled from that moment.

I know it seems odd that I didn't know I was in love with her but like when I said, “I love you,” it wasn't in a romantic sense and I had only ever read about my symptoms as romantic love and I didn’t realize it could happen with platonic love. 

_Someone else told me to distance and I said I didn't want to and they said, “Okay, then don’t.”_

Well is it really that simple? Is it really in my hands? No, no it’s not. 

I don’t know. 

I hope that made sense. 

_Someone else told me: “That all makes a lot of sense. I feel for you... it’s a very painful experience. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to proceed, and that’s the hardest part. Everyone will give you different advice based on their experience.”_

I’m tryna soak it all in cuz like in the hundreds of fics I've read there are a couple scenes that are like this where the love creeps up on the Draco or Harry but I have never really related to it until now and when I go back to read and see what they do because I emotionally clutch on my fics, they just...get together or duke it out physically if you know what I mean and like —

a) not into "physical" period and b) not into her like that. 

It just —

It sucks but what can you do but live and adapt and survive and move forward? That's how my whole life seems like, like you “just keep swimming” but the sharks never disappear and they multiply and the end never gets nearer till you're left in the middle. 

It reminds of the fact that there's a point where if you try to travel to a star far away enough that you'll get stuck in the middle for eternity because the star is moving away faster or as fast as you travel towards to it and the planet you left is moving further away too so you're left in the middle, you can't go forward or backwards, abandoned and alone and helpless till you veer left or right or change the beginning or end point and since you can't change the beginning point you have to change the end point but i don't want to because that'll just end in hurt, like much of my life. 

So I guess I'll float forever in the absence between. 

At least it’s quiet.


End file.
